Dietary Transgressions
As many of you know, I’m a vegetarian. I eat this way for many reasons, including, but not limited to, ethics, environmentalism, health, etc. However, today I broke with my lifestyle. I did not choose to violate my own code, but I couldn’t help myself. What could possibly have caused Sam to give up his strict diet, if only for a moment? I’ll tell you.
A bug. Yes, a little bug, probably a small gnat or fly. As I was pulling up to my house on the scooter, I cracked my helmet’s visor open. The moist weather means that at low speeds, when the vents aren’t flowing, the visor has a tendency to fog up. Opening it a bit helps out. Also, as fate would have it, I was joyously singing Parliament Funk’s “Get Up With the Down Stroke”. I was on the part where they sing, “Make my funk the P-Funk! I like my funk un-cut!”, when the insect flew into my helmet, and down my throat. I felt it thwap into the back of my palate, and I felt a bit sickly as I reflexively swallowed, consuming the insect.
To atone for my transgression, I’m now eating a completely vegan meal. Actually I’m not big on the whole ‘atonement’ concept, I just wanted some curry, and vegan is how I make it anyway. So without further ado, here is the basic recipe for Sam’s Easy Vegan Curry Surprise, serves four not-very-hungry people, three regular people, or two really hungry ones. It also saves well in the fridge, so make extra and eat that sucker for lunch the next day:
Ingredients
- One medium potato.
- One bell pepper, preferably red or yellow.
- One can bamboo shoots.
- One small or medium onion (white or yellow).
- One small apple, preferably a firm, tart variety, like Granny Smith.
- One block of tofu, extra firm.
- Some curry paste, either hot or mild.
- Some coconut milk (in a can).
- Brown basmati rice.
Procedure
First, cut the veggies and tofu up into pieces. Use standard stir-fry size pieces, about the size of a bottle cap. Then begin preparing the potato. I toss the pieces of potato in a microwave safe bowl with a little olive oil, and microwave it for 6 minutes. You can also boil them. Meanwhile, start the rice cooking as per the directions on the box. Then put a little olive oil in a pan or wok, and get it up to heat, around medium/medium-high, and toss in the tofu. Stir-fry the tofu until it is golden brown on all sides. Then pull the tofu out of the pan and set it aside. I usually just put it into the same container as the potato if the potato is done by now (it probably is).
Then begin stir-frying the other veggies in the pan. Do the peppers and onions for a moment, then add the apple and bamboo shoots. Use a little olive oil to keep things lubricated, but go easy on it. As they cook, add some curry paste, and some coconut milk. Use good judgment here, you don’t need to add a lot at once. I usually put in about two or three heaping spoonfuls of the paste, and a 1/4 cup of the coconut milk. Then I stir things up, taste it, and add more curry paste to taste. Whenever you add the curry paste, add a bit more coconut milk. The coconut milk serves to create the ‘sauce’, and is an emulsifier, which is a good thing for this dish. I like to end up with a fairly dry curry, not like a soup or stew or anything, but with enough sauce at the bottom of the pan so that when I spoon out my curry on top of the basmati rice, the sauce dribbles down and flavors the rice. Dig?
As the veggies cook, feel free to taste the food regularly, to see if you need more curry paste or coconut milk. When the veggies are nearing complete, only a few minutes, add the tofu and potato. The potato should help thicken the sauce a bit, and you may need to add more curry paste and coconut milk at this point to balance the additional mass and thickening capacity of the potato. Cook for another few minutes, until everything looks good and hot. When the rice is done, just lay some rice down on your plate, and spoon some curry on. Enjoy, preferably with a good porter.
Oh, and if you are wondering why “surprise” is in the name, then well, I don’t really know. Maybe it’s the apple. Its a great flavor in curry, but it is a bit surprising to bite into something sweet and tart, especially if you don’t know it is there!
Monday 17 Nov 2003 | Sam | Recipes, Personal
I think the suprise is the potatoe, since you didn’t mention it in your list of ingredients. I had everything all lined up and ready, then you start with potatoe and I’m discombobulated. I put it all away and sat down for a glass of whine, wishing you were here to make it for me. I’d actually settle for anyone making it for me….anyway, it sounds wonderful…with potatoe.
sorry you ate bugs dude…thanx for the recipe though!!!!!!!!
Oops, I updated the recipe to show the potato! But don’t mess with me, mom, I know you wouldn’t have cooked it even if the potato had been on the recipe. Just try not to burn the tombstone pizza, k?
You probably know this, Sam, but almost everyday you most likely consume a number of insects. The FDA specifies that an 8-ounce jar of peanut butter should contain no more than 100 insect parts. I don’t know how they count that, but it doesn’t really matter. Also, breads, pastas, etc, invariably contain larvae and adult insects alike. And what about that basmatti rice? Even if it is the icky, pesticide sprayed non-organic type, it probably has some larvae in it, either dormant or dead and dessicated. But I wouldn’t worry too much. You can also feel confident in knowing that the insects you eat weren’t grown in a factory farm! At least, not an insect factory farm.
never eating again
Yeah will, I was aware of the amount of bugs I consume on a day to day basis.. This time was just so abrupt and obvious. I’m just thankful it wasn’t a wasp or something, that would have sucked.
I don’t know how they count insect parts in food either.. I’d assume they take a random sample and then go through it very carefully or something. Or maybe they do a chemical analysis on a few jars to count the amount of insect protein they find. Weird. Ten points to whoever finds out how they count the amount of bug parts in food.
Here is a good article from Salon that shows what these kind of FDA employees do.
http://archive.salon.com/health/col/roac/2000/01/14/filth_lab/print.html
And here is the FDA/CFSAN Defect Action Level Handbook, with more technical info.
http://vm.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/dalbook.html
Enjoy.
I know how they count the bug parts…they just take away everything that doesn’t look like bug, and there you have it! It’s not rocket science, but it is bug science. And Sam, I won’t burn the tomestone, cuz I refuse to cook them anymore. We’re going all natural, we’re eating them raw.
So now, I ask of you, who will join me in my petition to the FDA to require that all food manufacturers print the representative amount of insect parts in a given batch of food? And another thing, I sense a cover-up. If insect parts aren’t dangerous for you, why have a limit at all? I mean, why couldn’t fig newtons be like 65% insect paste? While I leave you with that thought, I am going to have a peanut-butter apple, which will almost certainly contain insect parts.
If the FDA wanted to do it the simplest way they’d just ask me how many bugs I had thrown into the mixer, I keep pretty good track. That way they could also specify approximately what percent of those contained natural poisons and about how many I sprayed with Raid before tossing them in.
By the way, it sounds like that bug wanted you to eat it Sam, if it flew straight into your mouth. So I wouldn’t feel to bad. Unless of course it was a ritualistic bug-sacrifice and he was pushed into the path of your speeding altar of teeth and saliva. Although I doubt “Make my funk the P-Funk! I like my funk un-cut!” is the correct ceremonial chant, you may want to brush up on your entomoliturgy before your next stint from vegetarianism.