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Cocoa is good stuff. Yes, its smooth, dark, delicious, warm and wholesome. It is also highly stimulating. The cocoa powder is enriched with a whole host of central nervous system stimulants including your old friend caffiene, as well as some other buddies, like theobromine. In fact, Cocoa’s scientific name, Theobroma cacao means “Food of the Gods”, because enough of it will cause you to speak to them. At least, thats what I hear…

The Azteks knew that spiciness was key to cocoa, and so do I. In honor of one of their other traditions, human sacrifice, here is a recipe and a method for incredibly spicy death cocoa. The basic cocoa recipe is lifted from the fabulous show, Good Eats, of which I have previously spoken. However, the final touch is pure Sam and Berg.

Ingredients

• 2 cups powdered sugar
• 1 cup cocoa powder (dutch process works best)
• 2.5 cups powdered milk
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons cornstarch

• incredibly spicy hot sauce, like Dave’s Insanity Sauce

  Procedure

  This is easy. Take the dry ingredients and mix them together. Just put them in a container and shake it around. Thats it. Wow. Hard.

  The interesting part comes when you serve it. Fill a mug 1/3 full with your mix, then add enough boiling water to cover. Mix it up good with a spoon or whisk or chopstick or something. Then fill the rest of the way with boiling water. Hot milk can also be used for x-tra creamyness.

  Give it a taste. Hey, thats good cocoa. But it’s not done yet. Many cocoa recipes include a dash of cayenne pepper. As the Azteks teach us, spicyness and chocolate are two long lost brothers that must reunite with unequaled splendor in the cocoa mug. However, cayenne powder isn’t enough. You need to go straight to the source.

  We recommend a hot sauce with a Scoville rating of no less than 30,000. Forget Tabasco, that shit is weak (2,500 Scoville Units). At 51,000 Scoville Units, we recommend Dave’s Insanity Sauce, but any incredibly hot sauce will work. Here is a list of the hottest sauces in the world to get you started. Start with Dave’s Insanity at #33, and work your way up.

  Once you’ve chosen a sauce, use our handy dosing method. Take one chopstick, standard chinese size, though the vietnamese variety will work as well. If you ever hope to use the chopstick again, make sure it is plastic so that it can be fully sanitized after use. Now simply dip the chopstick into the sauce, and use it to stir the cocoa.

  Most of these sauces are too viscous to pour small drops, and you lose all dosing precision. However, the chopstick gives you precise control of your dose. I recommend starting with a 1 centimeter dip. Mix well and sample. Continue adding 1 centimeter dips until you are at the right place. As Berg aptly wheezed upon taking a hit off his newly spiced cocoa, “If it makes your head feel funny, it’s right.”

  This new concoction is both warming to the belly, and warming to the esophagus. The rush of endorphins released when the receptors on your tongue begin screaming in pain will drive away any winter sadness, and leave you giddy with pleasure. The stimulants in the cocoa will cheerfully wake you, without spinning you up like top. Plus, it is really cheap to make.

  If you enjoy the spicy cocoa, I recommend trying out spicy chocolate on other things, like spicy chocolate syrup on ice cream, or spicy chocolate bars, or even spicy brownies. You’ll find that, as odd as it seems, spiciness and chocolate really do go skipping hand in hand through the meadows of life.

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